3:00 AM

I woke up hot, sore and unable to sleep. After taking a Excedrin and attempting to go back to sleep, a pointless endeavor, I decided to get up and eat something cold. I went to blow my nose and ended up with a bloody mess. (Sorry if that is gut-churning to anyone) Three o'clock is actually a really nice time to be up. It is really easy to think at this time in the morning. I am actually considering getting up to work on my book at this time on a regular basis. Not sure how that would turn out. I probably wouldn't want to get up when I forced myself to do so. My dear wife sleeps restlessly which is so unfortunate. She is so often uncomfortable and there is simply nothing that I can do to help. I love her though and watching her sleep reminds me of why I put up with all the crap in the world. She is worth any effort on my part to make a good life for her. My ramblings have brought me to a temporary close. To all those that are up at ridiculous hours, try some delicious ice cream; I suggest Mint Chip (Breyers is the best).

Heather & Jacob

Aunt Lisa called on Sunday. She is great! I felt so good after talking to her even though it was short. I realize more and more what a wonderful family that I have. All the family has always been really close to each other.
Anyway, she called to find out about Heather's boyfriend JACOB. First of all he is great, we got along really well, even though it is Heather who has to like him not me. HEATHER, JEN AND I APPROVE! It would be fun to have him as a relative. Jen thinks he is a lot like myself and probably the reason we got along. If he can handle being a geek like the rest of the family then he is in.
Anyway, Heather's happiness is important to me, not just because she is a relative but Jen and I got together because of her.
Jen and I are really pushing for this one and I have a feeling that Heather is looking to the future with Jacob in mind. GOOD.

Be - Do - Have

I was recently reminded of something that I have learned in many places. If anyone is familiar with "The Secret" it follows something along those lines. As Jan Davis, my master instructor, puts it "BE - DO - HAVE". So many of us go through life with no understanding of the power we have to shape our lives.

BE: First step is becoming what it is we want. Believing that we already have those things. We have to change the way we look at life, no longer wishing or wanting but believing that it will come to us. If you don't like doing something it is generally because of fear. We all have our insecurities but it is often because we don't believe in ourselves or what it is we are doing. Change how you thing, not until that happens will we begin the next step which is Do.

DO: Just like the gospel we are not going to do something without first having the faith that it is going to happen. It is then, that we begin to act upon the things that we believe and preform the action necessary to receive or have.

HAVE: When you have faith and act upon that faith you naturally are going to bring about the things in life that you want. The Lord will bless you for your efforts.

Got wants to bless us, however, for miracles to work in our lives there is a price. It is this price that I think we don't fully understand. We have to push out the negative. Instead of hoping that we are going to make more money we have to tell ourselves that we HAVE more money or whatever it is that we desire. I HAVE an opportunity to do missionary work, I HAVE a new car, I HAVE good grades, I HAVE a more loving family....etc. Don't let any thought enter your mind that says I really hope that it happens. BELIEVE!!!

Prayer and Meditation are powerful things because that is where we define what it is that we HAVE. The biggest challenge that we have is controlling and changing if necessary our thoughts. Your thought control your actions and ultimately, who you are. Are you entertaining negativity? I promise it will only bring more and more until you live in it.

I believe God will bless us by our efforts to control our thoughts as much or more than our physical efforts.

What is harder to control you thoughts or your actions? One leads to the other. Your actions will reflect your thoughts if you entertain them long enough both for the good and for the bad.

I have made mistakes as we all have...SO WHAT...rewrite it in your mind and go forward with a renewed effort to be different, to achieve what you desire. There are times in life when we get to the point where we don't even like ourselves. I have been there before but we all have to start somewhere, if you can't love yourself than you need to look to those that you know love you, and that has to be enough for now.

My family and friends, I LOVE YOU! You have so much potential, and I know God and our Savior Jesus Christ love you. Let that be enough, if nothing else. Soon you will love yourself and that is when you can spread the "Habit"

Recent Changes

I realize I have not written in over a month now. Jen thinks it is because I don't want to, but really I haven't had that much time this last month. Sure, I could probably have fit it in somewhere but with school getting more and more busy and karate becoming so important I have a lot on my mind and my blog has not been one of them.

So much is happened in this last month. Jen has already written about the baby. Yes, the ultrasound confirmed that it is indeed a BOY and Yes, his name is PERRIN JACOB! Jen for some reason insists on reminding everyone that I wanted Perrin and she chose the Jacob. Maybe someday she will get over it and start telling people that she doesn't really mind Perrin at all, she just wants to have some sort of drama in her life. I love her...*sigh*

Jen is doing all sorts of fun activities now, like Yoga and now has her yellow belt in karate. She is always complaining about Perrin kicker her in the ribs which I must say I feel sorry for her. At least we know Perrin's karate skills are already developing. He probably is going to know all of "Basic Form 1" before he even comes out.

Sick

I really hate being sick! Jen didn't allow me to do anything. I had to stay in bed all day. She told me that when you sick you have to rest. I wouldn't know; this is only the second time I have been sick since I was 11 years old. I don't know how people deal with being sick. I had a temperature of 102.2, I couldn't sleep, my stomach hurt, my head hurt, my whole body hurt and what is worse I wasn't allowed to go to karate. The one bonus, Jen did whatever I wanted her to do, waiting on me hand and foot. Is it worth it? I just am thanking the Lord that I am normally healthy.

Vent

I have no other way of venting so this is where it is happening. I hate this day. I hate everything about this day. So much for holidays. I have a project due that I haven't started, partly, because I really don't know what to do and secondly I am so frustrated that I can't really think.
I went on a walk hoping it would help, it didn't. I cleaned my car and cleaned and rearranged our extra room and that didn't help. Jen left earlier to go spend time with Trisha, I think she needed that. I think I made her pretty mad this morning, which is the reason she left.
Anyway, I have been alone all day, feeling sorry for myself which is stupid but I just decided that I want to feel this way. It is all my own fault and I don't even care. I hate it all.
I'll be fine tomorrow and in good spirits but until then, this is a cruel world.

Jen and the hand of the Lord

I was reminded recently about Elder Eyring's suggestion on writing each day about the ways we see the hand of the Lord in our lives. There are many things that I could put in my blogs but I think that should be one of them as well. Here is my first:

This is going back a ways but I am continually grateful for how things worked out with meeting Jen. I think that so much went into play to make things work out so that we could actually get together and have a good time with each other. Lets go back to what caused it all. Correct me if I am wrong Trisha but I believe you didn't like your old apartment so you ended up moving which put you in with Heather (my cousin). Heather and Trisha became friends. Jen at the time had no friends that she was close to because of various things and ended up spending a lot of time over at Trisha's and Heather's. Heather and Jen became friends. One day talking about UVSC boys Heather decided to set Jen up with he "hot cousin" (ME) She called me there and I Jen a couple of minutes later. It was a blind date, might have not worked out if Matt had not been coming down that same weekend we had a date. I called Heather who couldn't find a date for Matt so she came. The four of us had so much fun laughing the whole time. From there it escalated.
I loved and love spending time with Jen. So many days I am grateful to the Lord for her. We can do anything together. Our days are spent in laughter, sometimes over ridiculous things and sometimes at the dumb things that we each do at times. Our fights, on rare occasion, and quickly forgotten, probably because of her forgiving nature. She is the funnest person I know and willing to do almost anything....except try some types of food. I'm working on her in that category. She is always my quiet support, although she is anything but quiet, and I have never questioned her love and integrity. Also, she makes this face...we all call it the "dumb face", I love it. Okay, enough mushy stuff. She is my best friend and I am glad to spend eternity with her. I no longer remember how I did it without her. LOVE YOU JEN

Touching Lives

I don't think anyone can ever fully understand what people mean and how they have effected our lives. I am not even sure if we can fully know. Maybe someday we will better understand. There have been countless people that have touched my life. Many who have passed away and many that I just don't ever see anymore. Many I have around me everyday and I take them for granted.
Maybe I could be better at expressing my gratitude to others and allowing them to know how much I care and how much they have helped me.
My gratitude and love goes out to all of you. If I could write everyone that has influenced my life and the reasons why I would. It takes to much time but to few I express my deepest appreciation and love for your care and continual support.

Jen, my wife, is the best thing in my life. I don't deserve her goodness at times but always she reminds me who I am and what I can be. Her strength and love more than any other has been that which has carried me through thick and thin. I apologize often for my mistakes and always she is there to forgive me and help me see...what is really important. Thank You

My parents, they have been my foundation of right and goodness. Their examples have been such a part of who I have become. Thank You

Perrin, my best friend for the majority of my life and perfect example to me of what I am trying to become. He has always been there no matter what or when the need came. Thank You

My siblings have been my best friends. Each of them have been continuing examples to me of what a family is supposed to be. They are always there for me and each other. I hope all of you know how amazing you and how much to mean to me. Thank You

Jen's family, and my new family. I couldn't have married into a better family. I love you all so much and miss being away from you. Thank You.

Trisha, specifically because you are probably the only other person besides Jen that will read this. Thank you, not just for reading it. I am so glad to have you as a SISTER! You were the one who's opinion I worried most about when dating Jen, not sure why but it was important to me and it still means so much.

To all the rest of those in my life, I love you all. Thank You

I have made a decision to write about one person in my life everyday. How I see them and what they have meant to me in my life. They may never read it, but if they do I hope they realize that they are important and have made a difference.

Dilemma

I recently received an email from someone I know on my mission. He was a convert to the church and for about 9 months was always there helping the missionaries. Sometimes he would go out with us for a whole day. He became very close to the missionaries. He was invited by the mission president to actually go to our leadership meeting with the zone leaders. I left the area but not before I became very close to him. In many ways was and still is like a brother to me. He got to know my mom and became very close to my family.
Well, nine months after he was baptized some things happened that made the AP's assistant to presidents ask some questions. This man had basically lied about so many things that he was eventually excommunicated because he was not repentant. On occasion we have received an email from him letting us know how he is and how he has changed...I have no idea if it is true and most likely will never know but I finally decided to email him back. Not because I trust him but because I believe he lied mainly to be accepted and that even if we don't make great choices we still need to know people love us and care. I hope someday he changes, will I ever allow him into my life more than on occasional email. Probably not.

What is the point. I had forgiven him long ago even right after I found out. However, that doesn't mean that I will ever trust him again. And though I love him I cannot have that in my life. My point is that trust in one of the most delicate of items. Once it is lost...it takes ages to get back. Honesty, though very important to me before became even more so after this experience on my mission. Our relationships are so fragile...Be honest, be trusting, love those you love with a purity and integrity. And give those you love only reasons to trust you more.

Talismon (Temp Title)

Prologue

Distant memories danced like wildfires through a desert brush. A relentless stream of images revealing long forgotten places and people stormed through existence; a people plagued by an infectious disease. The disease of hatred, which ushered in timeless wars filled with bloody battles and death. As if motivated by a purpose, the torrent of images shattered, replaced by one single occurrence.

A small boy of only a few years, stood in the center of a clearing marked by the ruins of a once vast fortress. In every direction lay the bodies of the countless thousands amidst the rubble. Great trees once surrounding the fortress were now charred black stumps or alight with a green fury hotter than any common fire. The green flames swept through the timbers faster than the eye could follow and were diminished by distance, leaving only the ash; a once mighty forest full of life and energy, now lost.

The small boy dropped to his knees between the lifeless figures of a man and woman, both untouched by the surrounding desolation. There were others lying on the grassy ground, forming a circle around where the boy had stood. In the child's eyes, however, there where only the two.

They appeared young but with an air of majesty and wisdom that sopke of ages of life and experience. They were beautiful, even in their death, but their faces were filled with profound sadness and grief. The boy reached out, a hand to each, and as he did so the markings on his palms flared to life, a brilliant blue that pierced the darkness. The bodies convulsed briefly but remained unchanged. The energy blinked out and the boy dropped his hands in despair, tears streaming down his face blurring his vision. Pain and anguish never meant for a child to bear, resonated through the stillness.

His now shaking hands came to rest on two amulets, intricate in their detail, each hanging around the neck of the figures by a white gold chain. Without the knowledge of how or why, the boy joined the amulets together with a loud click. The air rippled, grew hot and exploded into a thousand rays of light, illuminating the landscape for leagues in every direction, repelling the darkness. Moments later, the shadows swept back in upon the scene as if hungry to recapture its lost territory. Truth and memory was lost forever in a tomb for the fallen. The boy was gone.